Wednesday, October 28, 2009

you all are my favorite, every night

i'm proud of my selection for comic relief.
every night i get off work at 11:00pm and i know that when i get home, you all will be waiting for me to read your thoughts.
your thoughts on..
global warming and oh god, how fake that global warming is.
the college girl whining about her stds she contracted from a soldier, or maybe five. and how nobody is capable of showing sympathy, the other posters just lay it flat, they're liers, cheaters, and sneaky assholes.
the irony of it is, these people replying back to this girl's crys, are the wives of the gi's that are fucking her. or maybe the wives of the gi's that are fucking another young lady.
and the racist bunch, OBABA IS A NIGGER. any post that has that line in it instantly has the next couple days' posts starting with RE:OBAMA,RACIST PRICK. and the arguement goes on.
always do the fat chicks get made fun of. everytime. there are some hurtful things thrown around on the r&r's like this, Are making us all puke. Just because YOU are fat does not mean when we stare we think you are hot, its because we think you are GROSS. that brutal. a lot of the time its a skinny girl calling out fatties. reminds me of grade school.
the worst is the people who try to influence whats right. oh god do they get the load of it. haha. these people will write a six paragraph essay to make thier point. for each paragraph written, there will be at least 3 posts reflecting how much of a cock face that person is. and of course if they have made a good, influential point, all of the haters will instantly turn into grammar police. picking at their sentences like your little sister picking the onions and olives out of her spaghetti.
whatever you do, absolutely continue your attempt to have a valid point on the r&r's, especially if you're looking for friends. and it is, with out a doubt, in my best interest for you to continue to be a shallow fuck with the witts to tear apart a fat girl or another lonely liberal.

looking for romance

I'm married, no need to read further if you take issue with that.
I'm also nice and considerate. I did just attempt to save ppl some time.

I've read, and read, and read, and read CL ads for a cpl years now. I don't know how well I'll fare as it seems to me that there's a lot of repeats on here; "regulars" i suppose is the terminology. All the same big beautiful women in search of their CL LTR. It's not my goal to become a regular poster, one of those "just looking" males, but I am an avid reader. Not that I haven't posted in the past, but all I got was spam...,.and the overwhelming desire to change my email address. Ahhhhh, those wacky spammers will get ya every time, no?

As I've read through the ads I've always wondered, what would my ad state to make me stand out? I mean, what hasn't been said? It's like trying to come up with a new cool unused pick up line. It can probably be done, but geez, isn't just being myself better? I've never been a barlfy, but have been to a few in my younger stud-muffin days. (yes, I was studly.....age takes its toll on us all....except that freak Sylvester Stallone! LORD!) I could never get the nerve to use a corny pick up line. How many times have you heard: "It's pouring rain because Heaven is missing an angel like you." or "Those pants look nice on you, bet they'd look better on my floor"

Of course, I'm not the type of guy to want a girl who goes for pick up lines. I need something up stairs. Not to much, but you know, more than the last president at least. Not that I want to talk world politics, stock values, or my latest trade-in..... Ok, ok, I may talk politics and religion, but that ain't gonna put me in the mood and I can imagine the same for you.

Getting in the mood. Hmm....guess we can address that now. Granted I may be forward, but at least you know why you're answering my ad. Yes, obviously, the bottom line is sex. I want to experience some, and if you do, then we have at least one thing in common. I can actually be a friend and confidante (the government trusted me with a high level security clearance, won't you?) but to be clear, I surely have a wife at home. An irreplaceable one. But the tenderness is gone, no romance, no oomph. I'd say the frequency has diminished, but disappeared would be more appropriate.

I am, of course, interested in what you want. Really, I am. This is a two-way street. I love giving massages, it gives me pleasure to see you pleased. So if you are in tune with yourself and want to let me know what you want, then perhaps we can find some common ground. Try me, you can't shock me.

What would be a deal breaker? Asking for money. I grew up when free-love was waning, never have been into prostitution. Drugs. No need. If you don't know how to feel good without drugs, you don't know yourself. Head-case. Ha! just had to put that in there. Yes, I know full well, a head-case doesn't know they are a head-case. But at least I can tell my buddies, over a beer, "i knew a head-case once...."

Now how do I put my "im not a spammer disclaimer?" Wait, does that count? ;)

Friday, October 23, 2009

mason craigslist > personals > missed connections > I cant get that ass off my mind. shit, i love you

"hey, give up on reading this now. i wont make you feel better and probily wont piss you off either. you'll end up wasting 10 minuts by reading all of this ad.
its come to me that all of you deep down inside, long for a missed connection written for you. i know there will never be one about me. the odds of you or i getting a missed connection written for us are very, very low.
ive encountered several people who are convinced that they will get one and, shortly after, them and the love of their life will meet, date, marry, and grow old together. that is just lazy and a stupid practice of futility.
but yeah, these kinda ads will either flatter or depress.
i titled it like so because i know everyone will click it.
when you read this, you will be upset because its not for you.
the title is extreamly vague. so dont get your hopes up.
i wont be replying to any of your emails, because im not a sweet heart.
its silly that you are reading this because once again, it is not for you.
i hope you dont wish this is for you because i know you are just another one of those "BBWs" searching for that man who can tolerate your weight.
im a shallow fuck. so, go away, dont email me.
this was going to be written for someone but she will never read it.
and if she did, she wouldnt have know who it was from.
plus, the origional idea went away as soon as i realized that i was just going to get a bunch of retarded emails for every other lonely women in this hell hole.
maybe another time."

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Funny, smart, and good looking!!

"'s been quite a while since i last had sex.... and i never had that much sex to begin with. i was a late bloomer shall we say... i didn't actually lose my virginity until i was 30. but since then i have manage to have sex about 30 times. not with 30 women.... no where close. but i guess i should've never started in with this whole sex business... sex is a lot like food, once you've had it, you want to have it again.... except unlike food, you can't buy it. well, i suppose you could, but that's not legal where i live... or so they say. but i don't even really feel like paying for it either. it just seems to cheapen the whole idea of having sex. i mean, how would it even work..... you just walk into a brothel... like the bunny ranch. don't ask me why i know that.... really, i've never been. but are there really girls that stand in a line and you say, "i'll take that one.... nah, maybe that one instea...." or do they hand you a menu? just imagine if you were one of those women and some 300 pound guy comes in smelling of cigaretts smoke and burgers.... maybe that's a turn on to some.... but it just seems sort of disgusting, without being too judgemental.... since i have my share of short comings.... namely, something that's in my pants and not to mention my receding hairline and crooked nose.... and my deplorable personality..... but aside from that..... i know this will have the ladys dieing to sleep with me.... but maybe we're two people that just want some action..... maybe we're two wayward stars in this immense galaxy.... maybe we're on a collision course.... and when we make contact..... it'll be an epic collision.... or maybe we're just two horny people looking to get off.... of course with the help of one another. maybe you could lend a helping hand and i can return the favor..... anyways, if you were one of those ladys and some 300 pound guy picks you..... well, i'm not sure what you would do.... turn in your panties? well, the long and short of this is i'm just a sad sap, turning my energies and aspirations to this little place on the internet..... in this great big world, i come here... a place where guys like me troll the internet looking for other loss souls..... i don't think i'm doing a good job of selling myself.... i'm starting to appear rather predatory. mmm.... i'm not sure i can take back some of my lines? i suppose i could, but then it would be like editing myself.... i usually just let my fingers go.... and whatever comes out, i'm not responsible for...... since it's my fingers that are doing the typing. it's not me... if you're going to arrest someone.... lock up my fingers. well, i highly doubt i convinced anyone to sleep with me let alone have sex with me.... but you never know... maybe there's someone drunk enough out there.... or maybe somehow the stars are aligned and the mood is just right and you find the slighest glimmer of attractiveness in me.... maybe you see something in my eyes...... and please don't say stupidity.... i've heard that one way too many times..... please say a "sexual tiger" or "a man's man..." or something really sexual.... like a sexy latino name.... like pedro or raul.... something that just makes you want to rip my clothes off and devour me.... something irrestible! say it to me baby.....
or just email me..... maybe we could plan a love affair for this weekend.... and by love affair, i don't mean.... cheating on your husband or bf.... sorry, even perverts have to draw the line somewhere..... sorry, i don't do aduletry..... well, unless she works at the brothel....."

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

racing like drunken bees

"I am your genuine sleaze bag fuck ball. i have MORE bugs crawling on my nuts than Henry."
"I will take the opportunity to use you and take full advantage of you. I will drip you dry."
"I have fucked you in more ways than you know and its going to stay that way."
"AND GOD YES, i will expect you to cry"
"Because I am the one in control."
Everything you hear will be a lie and you are letting it happen. And the time is now.
its strategy, being gentle and absolutely passionate,
this will surely have them coming back.
or open the door for you to go back in.
being gentle when obvious about intentions,
"i really just want to fuck you."
"off the topic, i was raised to believe that sex is for lovers only."
i love you."

Monday, October 5, 2009

¡ Rhutism-xenographa !

thanks to those of you who are supporting me, and my HIGH VOLTAGE SPIT for those who are naysayers and evil non-gooders saying negative things about me HANDS ok? now to the point, my POINT I will make now.

this guy at Gold Corral, he is fat right? i think we need to get Papa Rotsi involved in this because if Lady Galga will bleed on stage for the Papa Rotsi then imagine what Papa Rotsi would do to a fat guy at a round table who drools over kids? Papa Rotsi would say "NO YOU CAN NOT FOLLOW ME AND YOU ARE NOT MY BIGGEST FAN BECAUSE YOU ARE ONLY THE FAN OF MEATBALLS AND FATTY FOODS AND TRANSFATTY ACIDS AND KIDS IN RESTAURANTS WHO HAVE A NICE AND PRETTY MOM LIKE RHONDA!" just kidding, that's what I HANDS say, not what Papa Rotsi says.

Rhonda, next time Lady Galga is in the area I can buy tickets to her concerts and we can go maybe you know?

when i go to a restaurant I sit in a different seat eveyrftime except sometimes that way people can't predict my patterns of movement. i keep my brain active by being random because I am a NEUROPHYSIOLOGIST and I know how the brain and MUSCLES work because I was on the UNIVERSITY OF UTAH (UoU) BODY BUILDING TEAM and we WON THE REGIONALS!

i read through a lot on the CRAIGSLIST and I have a question for the guy who is a cook named Brikan. Brikan, HANDS here! i want to know if I come to your restaurant can I request FRENCHTOAST? when I have FRENCHTOAST i am like Popeyes with the spinach, but I speak much more clearly than Popeye ok Brikan? Brikan I will pay you extra on the side if you can make me FRENCHTOAST when I go to the restaurant Little Italia in Kelleen. thanks Brikan ok? ok thanks!

HANDS's the Little Italia, Yes I HANDS Did!

i went to the Little Italia today and I was upset when I asked for chicken caccitori and the waitress said to me, "i'm sorry, HANDS!, we don't have that. may i recommend the chicken cantaloni?" i said, "DAMN!" but then I said, "NO!" then she asked me if i'd like more time to look over the menu and I told her, "NO Ma'am but ok thanks! what do you suggest?" she told me a lot of people like the chicken murphy, and i said, "NO!" but then I said "I will have -- no! -- may I please have the CHICKEN MARSHALL" and she was very nice and polite, she asked me if I mean the chicken marsala and I told her yes that will be fine with me if she wants to ask the cook to make it for me. and then i liked it very much a lot and i told my waitress, Darlene, "Who is the name of the cook dudes?" and she told me Brikan and I told her to tell Briken after I leave that I want FRENCHTOAST next time!

THAT is why I am posting this because if Briken reads this I want him t o go get FRENCHTOAST ingredients and I will pay him back later. but i only want the FRENCHTOAST as appetizer because FRENCHTOAST pumps me UP like a FRENCHTOAST BODYBUILDING CHAMPION FOR UNIVERSITY OF UTAH (UoU) WE WON THE REGIONALS 2002! so Briken if you can make me FRENCHTOAST for appetizer and maybe for my meal I will have the LASAGNA or the CHICKEN MURPHY or the VEAL MARSHALL Marsala, ok thanks Briken. ok thanks!